Things you can do to hack off your emergency physician

Here is just a short compilation of things that seem to get on my nerves every shift, it seems.

1. Not taking gum out of your mouth when I tell you to open wide so that I can see the back of your throat. The only reason I don't want to see you choke on it is is because I would have to go in and fish the damned thing out.
2. A housewife telling me what tests are and are not necessary. I understand that little Johnny had an X-ray of that same arm two years ago, but I can't use it to evaluate his fall on an outstretched hand today.
3. Responding to questions about what meds you are taking and what chronic ailments you have with "it should be in my file." If you are not going to make such a basic effort to care for yourself, and familiarize yourself with your own state of health, why should I try any harder?
4. Rating pain on the famous "1-10" scale as anything more than a "10." People with an "eleven out of ten" pain are unconscious.
5. Coming into the EC at 9pm on a workday after a drinking binge for some BS complaint that requires no intervention, and then asking for a note for your employer stating that you were in the EC that day. You were playing hooky. I swear to God that I am going to start writing notes including the *exact* times that you were in the department.
6. Trying to argue with me about whether you should stay in the hospital. I did not ask you to come here; the pain in your stomach from that bleeding told you to come here, and just because Doctor Dilaudid made you feel better, doesn't mean that you are fixed and can go on that trip to Cancun for a week.
7. Not having a family spokesperson- I get tired of repeating the same report to all fifteen members of your consanguinous family fifteen different times.
8. Stopping me in the Hall as I am walking to see a new patient and haranguing me for how long you are waiting. The fact of the matter is that your doctor is unavoidably detained; the patient I am going to see has accosted him, demanding to know how soon until I see them. I know; it sounds oddly familiar, doesn't it?
9. Any Chief complaint that has been going on and unchanged for longer than three days.
10. Any Chief complaint which you have already been worked up for by the definitive specialist in the applicable field. Whatever they have already had done for you before is more than we here in the EC can do for you tonight.
11. Any threats. The threat to sue is the threat of  an impotent coward. The threat of violence is the threat of an ignorant thug. If you really don't like how I am doing things, then you are free to leave at any time.
12. Harrassing the nurses. They have to deal with so much $hit (literally), the last thing they should have to put up with is an abusive patient.
13. I also don't like letting security have all the fun. Sometimes, I find myself praying that an a$$hole patient will make a move towards me in a threatening manner. Unsuprisingly, I am too large, and "look like a Marine" too much for people to try that.

Anyway, that about sums up some of the stuff I have to deal with on a typical shift.

Respectfully Submitted,
-doc Russia